Diary of a Gay Dad. I am a full time dad to five young children.

At present lots of shouting and screaming with John and the children in the living room. He always seems to psych them all up around this time! And time after time he doesn’t learn that this formula does not tire them out, it merely notches them up a gear. I am hiding in the kitchen as the games next door commence. I can hear him now saying that ‘We are not going to get boisterous, just before bed’, but they are and completely ignoring him at this point.

Amritsar has just started screaming the house down regarding a broken bracelet. A very loud return to the awful behaviour of earlier today!

Some of today’s naughtiness can only be described as completely ‘loco’ (Spanish for crazy). It is now time to dress for bed so I will come back to this shortly…

The main commotion of earlier began in the garden. Daddy got them all in shoes – I think every single pair in the shoe cupboard was strewn throughout the ground floor and then some more. Look, it’s not like I’m complaining about picking up! It’s part of the job. I do it constantly and seldom complain. But I do tire of the sheer volume that seems to be normal at the weekends. Anyhow the garden got grizzly. John left them to their own devices and surprise surprise, the water they were collecting from the downstairs W.C. Was for mud pies. Not any old mud pies, rather bubble mud pies. John remarked that they said that I had said that it was all right to use the soap dispenser. And he believed them!

Tesco home deliveries arrived with a rather large order. Sixty 200g chocolate bars arrived in preparation to be rebranded for the girls birthday in a couple of weeks! More on that at a later date. Plus a shed load of other stuff, including £10 worth of ingredients for the adult catering at the party. ‘Indian Veg Cuisine’ is the theme for the grownups nosh and I am planning to cater for 40 adults for just a tenner.

By the time I had put the last thing away, I looked up and saw Tara and Thor running around half naked, covered in water and mud and soap. Amritsar had a bucket of water and was about to pour it over Tara’s head… they were corralled and went upstairs to shower. At this point, Sindy our nanny rang the doorbell. She had very kindly sewn on ‘Chicky’s’ hat (Caleb’s soft toy) and was delivering him back to us. She entered and looked on, aghast at the extent of the turmoil. She went upstairs and gave John a hand for the next fifteen minutes. At this time Remus began projectile vomiting his dinner around the living room floor. My head just sank into my lap!

I did notice a rather large apple stem in amongst the kibble and crunched up apple when I cleaned it all up, so I know the cause of the problem at least. Less can be said for the other mess. Roll on tomorrow, hopefully less ‘Loco Commotion’.

With the week almost at an end, apologies for my relative silence. What with a tooth ache and another cold that seems pretty ferocious, I end the week with a snotty nose, tooth ache and a general feeling of fatigue. We have had our moments, both ups and downs. No pun intended on Caleb really going for it in the video I posted. We were all so surprised, his vigorous stomach crunching came completely out of the blue! We have always played the game of sitting on a lap, holding on and hanging upside down for a bit until returning to an upright position. But Caleb certainly brought things to another level.

The little ones are at present upstairs, refusing to have their little nap until 2pm. I have been up twice now – first time spent getting Caleb back in his nappy, after him peeing on the bathroom floor and splashing Thor’s snowman toy. At least with him back in a nappy, Sindy won’t come into a big shock when she returns. I did say that their nap time won’t be forever. Sometimes they snooze, but others they just won’t settle. I might have a another look up in a minute.

Aaliyah had a small poo incident this morning. Her nighttime nappy was off and her bedding was covered, so Sindy marched her into the shower rather briskly.

I’m looking forward to the weekend. Who knows what may be in store. I’ll keep my diary posted. And hoping yours is a good one too!

Hats off to Thor this morning. So, Please send me any other contender photographs for ‘The Biggest Snot Bubble Ever’ competition. Just who will be crowned? Good luck to everyone…

Okay, it has been a while (like a couple of years since my Sony Vaio packed up) and the replacement external hard drive casing was rubbish – it simply didn’t work. Another ‘made in china’ disappointment, so apologies for great Japanese design (Toshiba hard drive) and a reality check that it is always down to the weakest link – the Chinese made casing.

Okay, let’s get a few paragraphs down about what that computer hard drive has held for these last six years. Photos of course, pictures of the girls as babies and videos aplenty. Now our other guys (as small new borns) are all represented on my iPhone, thanks to the cloud concept, a new iPhone downloads your previous phones data. But the girls baby pics were backed up on my old Sony laptop – And today we retrieved all of the memories.

I was honest, reactionary and truthful. We sat there for an hour or so and were aghast with each and every file (full of baby pics) that we opened.

Too many memories flooded back for me, yet it was all new and exciting for our two beautiful daughters who are about to celebrate their sixth birthday. Time has flown by and yet, I always seem to coexist with the memories of it all.

It wasn’t always like that – when I returned from India five years ago – all I wanted was to forget those agonising reminders of the anguish I had to go through to get our girls home. But we did get home after eight long months. And here we are, a very happy family, filled with affection for one and other. Gonna well up soon – so these are a couple of our long lost pics of the girls and I when they were about seven months old, stranded in Mumbai.

What with all that has been going on, I forgot to mention our first visit from the tooth fairy. Whilst John and I were basking in the sunshine of Brighton over the weekend. Back at home, our clan went for a walk in the woods with our nanny Sindy. And as they had walked for some time, provisions were dispensed on the way home in the guise of chocolate hobnobs, you know, to restore energy levels and all of that. Amritsar’s bottom front left tooth has been loose for around a week. So we were expecting the inevitability of the tooth fairy’s visit, but sadly we were not here for the actual moment of the loss of the tooth. Anyhow, the chocolate hobnob was enough to release the said tooth from Amritsar’s mouth. Sindy immediately texted us with a photo and we stared in awe of the little space at the bottom of her jaw.

Now isn’t there a saying that for every door that closes, a window opens? And for sure there was! Personally, I do t remember a lot about the process of loosing teeth in favour or our second set as a little one, but just behind the hole that has replaced Amritsar’s lost baby tooth is a very pronounced ‘Big Tooth’, that she will live with from this day hence…

John did a grand job sneaking upstairs on Sunday night to replace the tooth under the pillow with a shiny, one pound coin! To be honest, I think she was expecting more, what with inflation. But we are going to have many, many more visits from the tooth fairy over the next few of years of course. So, they will have to accept that one pound is sufficient and we will have to perfect our stealth abilities won’t we?

I am not talking about a rather busty porn star, rather this mornings weather, here in ‘The Shires’. However the chilly frost soon gave way to a cloudless sky. Tara is presently at film club and Amritsar has joined Sindy and the little ones at the park, to wait until Tara is ready for home at 4pm. The weather is a sweet 17 degrees and the sky is deep blue in its hue. Springtime is edging its way and the local crocus and daffodils are all in full bloom. With a late Easter this year and this early warm spell, I think the daffodils will be but a memory by the time the little ones are enacting their ‘Easter Parade’ at preschool.

We finally got home yesterday at 1.30pm and The guys ran amuck pretty much until bedtime. Sindy had showered the three little ones that morning, so there were just the girls to shower before bed. We both had an early night, given the great time that was had in Brighton at out friends wedding. Thank you both (Victoria and Glen). Hopefully we can meet up and make a weekend of things when the Summer is here proper. It was nice to see Remus’s son Fenton in Brighton as he is part of their family. He’s just as ‘Crazy’ as Remus – for that they have my sincerest admiration. Dalmatians are not an easy breed, but definitely one of the most loveable. Sending big hugs…

Love to you both – thank you for such a lovely day! Off to bed now, pissed.

Checked in this afternoon after lunch in a great restaurant in Hassocks called ‘The Fig Tree’. Now about to get some sleep after eating Thai food and drinking white wine. Sindy at home with the children until Sunday morning when we return. John complaining about the smell of the room! I thought it would be a treat to have a smoking room, just for 2 nights, but he’s right it does smell – another reason to quit the habit, though I don’t think that will be possible until the little ones are a bit less stressful and full on. I will tell you all about the wedding tomorrow, so for now, I bid you goodnight.

Maybe a better title would have been ‘So, what’s NOT been going on? Thor broke his iPad (Kindle Fire), though it’s fixed now. They presently all have their devices (excluding Caleb). I gave in after four small voices wore me down after half an hour of ‘I want my iPad, I want my iPad’, Prior to this they all had digestive biscuits after – you guessed it, half an hour of ‘I want a biscuit, I want a biscuit’. This was just after a half hour chorus of ‘I want some crisps, I want some crisps’ (we don’t do crisps very often). Okay, I won’t bore you with any more rhapsody, but Thor threw an entire cup of orange squash on the kitchen floor and Caleb handed me a squashed piece of poo from his nappy that was lying on the floor beside him, yuk.

I am smelling mushrooms at present. No, not the psilocybin variety, rather chestnut mushrooms drying in the food dehydrator. Pasties for their dinner, so nice and easy today and maybe wedges, better get them in the oven pronto.

I just booked a flight to Hungary on airmiles as I have to have some major dental work on that toothache I mentioned a number of weeks back. Flight £35 and a four star hotel besides the dentist £100 for 2 nights. With the work half the price to here in the U.K., a no brainier really. I will have to return there in a month or two, but maybe john and I can make a mini break out of that and discover a new city together!

Caleb is wandering around the living room without purpose as they are all ignoring him as all are transfixed with their devices. Poor Caleb, he doesn’t know where to focus. Though he has just stuffed Tara’s ‘Elmer’ from Sesame Street fame, behind the television and he is trying to burst Amritsar’s blue balloon. The devil hath work for idle hands…

Oh and did I mention that Thor has contracted ‘shingles’? They all had a very mild form of chicken pox a couple of years ago. It was great, we thought we had gotten that one out of the way early on. Nobody mentioned that it was still possible to get ‘shingles’. I thought that one was only possible to catch in middle age! Oh well, he’s on acyclovir four times daily. I hope the rash looks better before Monday and his return to preschool…

I recently reserved diaryofagaydad.net – just in case you couldn’t remember my blog address andiwebb.net and this new web address should get you to the same place – I just gave it a go and I found myself looking back at me. Now, why am I sharing this information? I guess because I am thinking about what is in a description? To be honest, I thought that it wouldn’t hurt to connect the description of what my blog and diary is, to the website itself. When I ‘google’ Andi Webb, some other person comes up as being with my name! However if I ‘google’ or ‘bing’ diary of a Gay Dad, andiwebb.net comes up at the top of the list. And as much as I am okay that my name and spelling of it is shared by a number of people and indeed there are also many gay dads out there who blog, I appreciate that it is my blog that you have come to read!

So, can I take this moment to thank everyone of my readers who take a few moments out of their hectic lives to hear about what’s going on, here in the Shires.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH (more tomorrow).

I did say in an earlier diary entry that I would show you Remus, doing what he does best! And here he is whirling like a Dervish. At present he is sat beside me on the sofa, as is Gracie, looking a lot more chilled. The children have just gone up for a shower with Sindy, before going to bed. Remus has just let out an almighty sigh and is nuzzling his nose into the corner of the sofa. It’s a hard life for a dog isn’t it.

So, the big question is, did the peace of earlier last? We are nearing the end of the day and an amnesty has just been granted to the little ones regarding earlier behaviour! I needed to print something from the P.C. In the bedroom. I can’t have been gone for more that ten minutes. But I was recalled to the living room firstly by Amritsar and then a slightly more frantic Tara. ‘The little ones have the sudocrem’ Tara asserted, ‘you must come back down quickly’. I dropped what I was doing and bolted down the stairs with haste. On entering the living room I spied a naked Caleb, his bottom and back smeared with sudocrem (an oily cream used for nappy rash). There had been a half hearted attempt to clean up the mess as baby wipes were scattered aplenty. But there was a good amount of incriminating sudocrem over Thor’s hands, the floor, their large cushion in front of the television, plus smears over chairs and tables alike. Caleb was immediately placed on ‘the thinking chair’, swiftly followed by Thor. Aaliyah looked as guilty as sin. Tara piped up, ‘it was her, it was her that gave Thor the sudocrem’. As the ignition of such an event, she was immediately expelled to her bed. All three were screaming and the girls continued to tell them that they were so, so naughty. To be honest, I had to walk into the hall to catch my breath. Mrs Snodgrass’s Naughty School was mentioned more than once and all three pleaded ‘no Dadda, please – not Mrs Snodgrass’. The boys remained on the chairs for thirty minutes and Aaliyah was finally asked to rejoin them before I explained that they have until bedtime to prove that they can be good. Well almost bedtime now, a few ups and downs, but overall they have made amends. So I am happy that our nanny Sindy is in tomorrow to ask them if they had been good on her day off. We’ll see what they say shall we?

Coming in from the garden earlier, I had quite a surprise! The children were actually managing themselves. Google was playing them an age appropriate song and Thor was stood over her poised to silence her. The dancing came to a stop and they all stood still and giggled. Thor ‘MC’ started up the music once more and they all started dancing and jumping again. Musical statues with no adult intervention. They are growing up so fast – what a cliche!

Caleb ripped off his nappy earlier, thinking that I wouldn’t notice. But Aaliyah shouted ‘Dadda, Dadda, Caleb took his nappy off’, one of them always reports on the other if they are being naughty.

No Sindy today and so far, no major dramas. We are all at the table doing drawing and stencilling at present. Thor is drawing treasure chests and Aaliyah is screaming for more paper. Amritsar is now screaming at Aaliyah for drawing on her book. I spoke too soon didn’t I?

I believe that tomorrow night is the full moon at its peak for this month. However given the cloudless skies in the Shires this evening, I have just spent the last twenty minutes, taking the time to admire its evocative glare. Here in the crystal clarity of the countryside, with the lack of artificial light, the garden is illuminated with a frenzy of sparkles, that is dreamlike in its lustre. The woodland beyond has taken on a magical, almost fairylike feel. Okay, I’ve finished my cigarette now and I am heading back inside for a glass of white wine.

John was home a bit late, we enjoyed yet another Indian meal and the children enjoyed toad in the hole – ‘why is it not called sausage in the hole’ Tara remarked! And dessert was apple strudel with double cream. This they have asserted, would be acceptable every night of the week. Hmmmm – we’ll see about that!

Everyone happy here, as I hope you out there are. But if you are not entrapped by the glare of the city, spend a minute out there and moon bathe for a few moments. It can be very contemplative.

Sorry for my absence of four days. No major disturbances or an awful lot to shout about really. Though that being said, we (John and I) went out in London on Friday night – a surprise meal to celebrate my birthday, that is in fact today. We grabbed the number 9 bus and headed for the Aldwych. By the time we stopped on the Strand, I guessed that it had to be ‘The Savoy’ we were dining at. So, thank you John for the special treat, the food was great. We didn’t celebrate Valentines Day on Valentine’s Day! Shame on us for not. But we chose to celebrate it last night with a seafood feast. Please note the picture above. Tara practiced a new word and insisted on me videoing it ‘Langoustines’, she got there in the end. Please note the video below! I am now looking forward to Birthday cake. It’s a hard life. And thank you to anyone who Facebooked me their birthday wishes. I promise to be back tomorrow with another diary update.

Now, don’t they look smart? Thor is loving his more manly look and Caleb doesn’t seem too bothered about loosing some of the length at the back. It seemed a shame to cut too much off from his curly locks, but some day I think we will just have to bite the bullet, as I think he still regards himself as a girl. This last week or so he has both been referring to himself as a ‘she’ and asserting how much he likes the colour pink. Thor was telling the teachers at preschool that he likes dressing up as a girl and wearing Tara’s nickers. This might just be the reason that he is continually shedding his nappy, with or without poo inside. This transgression might happen when they are up on their floor without an adult present, but it certainly does not bode well with John or myself downstairs. It’s difficult to know what to think. But thanks to Thor, all of the women at preschool are now well aware of the situation. Maybe those golden, curly locks, days are numbered…

Now if you are a regular indulger in my diary, this will be just a recap. But if you have recently found ‘Diary of a Gay Dad’, then I have this to say! ‘Man can not live by bread alone’ and ‘let them eat cake’! Well, not really as I don’t bake that many cakes, just birthday ones and the occasional collaboration with the children making cupcakes (and very occasionally with chocolate). Let us create a positive spin on ‘Man can not live by bread alone’, of course I should have quoted the politically correct saying of ‘WE can not live by bread alone’.

Okay, I love to cook and I always cook in batches, I freeze two thirds of what I prepare in two separate containers and eat the other third on the day that it is produced. So many dishes lend themselves to the ‘table d’hote’ idea (go on, google it). You probably make some of these yourself at home. Bolognese sauce, cooked for at least two hours is a must and easily transformes into a chilli con carne with the addition of red kidney beans and some chilli sauce (I use the Sriracha one from Thailand). If you use Dolmio sauce, the one with extra garlic is acceptable. But do try and make your sauce from scratch, it’s just too simple (try to find the time, it is also a lot cheaper). You might also remember that I only cook with basmati rice (and I only make it in the microwave).

For me, Puttanesca is the royalty of Italian sauces. My personal favorite. The other pasta sauces we eat regularly are home made carbonara (ham, mushroom, Parmesan, garlic, double cream and seasoning), all thinly sliced, or the other option is using smoked salmon instead of ham.  This is one of the most amazing pasta dishes you will ever enjoy. I am presuming you like smoked salmon, that is. You don’t need a lot of salmon, but like carbonara, watch you don’t dry out the sauce once you add it to the cooked pasta! Use a little full fat milk (not cream) to thin it down slightly if you are a little wary of overindulgence.

These things don’t take up a lot of your time. That is with regards physical work. And regarding the length of time to cook a basic bolognaise made with minced beef, just simmer the sauce on the lowest heat, with the lid on and try not to leave the house (lol)! The other option available is to use minced pork. Perfectly cooked within thirty minutes. The final Italian essentials in this house are those meatballs that I make again and again. I have several recipes for them at this point. Don’t buy those factory made pellets from the supermarket, put in some real ingredients and say to people ‘I made this’! With  cooking the sauce yourself, there comes a certain pride. These dishes are very basic, easily made and enjoyed by both the children and us adults alike.

John really loves his meat and two veg, being Irish and all, so there is always a roast dinner on the menu every week, usually on a Sunday with us all participating. Just one tip for the roast potatoes and that is the meat juices and some of the fat. Just make sure you smash the potatoes about a bit for a lighter, fluffier result. It’s only once a week, so indulge yourself.

There is always an Indian meal in our average week. Both for us grown ups and for the children. There are so many recipes I could talk about, but the main advice is to make what you like but cook out those spices long enough to turn the strength of them into pure sweetness, whichever spice combo you use. Don’t forget the holy trinity (fresh garlic, ginger and chilli). Tomato and onions will sweeten your sauce to perfection.

Other Asian based flavors served up on a more or less weekly basis are those from Thailand and China. I love these sweet and sour flavor combinations. I pretty much get creative with Thai food. And as for Chinese food, I backward engineer from those at the Chinese takeaway. I really have to take a deeper look at Vietnamese cuisine. Note to one self!

Lastly, we all deserve moments of elevation. And I love to cook with fish and shellfish. Most weeks I throw together something that both John and I will enjoy as a real treat. Lobster Thermidor or ‘Coquille Saint Jaques Mornay’ sound a little bit too fancy, even the French word ‘mornay’ (with cheese) kind of makes it sound extremely complex. But take a fresh look at these French classics. Just dress a good cheese sauce over your cooked fish or shellfish and voila! It just sounds too simple doesn’t it! Use a whisk whilst making your sauce to avoid lumps and use plenty of mature cheddar cheese, plus a teaspoon of English mustard (I wouldn’t bother using gruyere). Plenty of mature cheddar, both in the sauce and on the top before you blitz in the oven for twenty five minutes. Serve with oven French fries or home made chips. I love to scrape off the dark, crystalised bit around the edge of the dish – wow, so tasty! You can always substitute good quality prawns if Lobster meat or scallops are not available. A small tip – Canadian lobster is always available before Christmas at just six pounds each. I always stock up the freezer when the going is good. Another small tip – whatever your thoughts about shopping at Iceland supermarket. Their frozen fish is definitely worth the trip. The Argentinian red prawn and scallops are certainly worthy… Oh! And invest in a few ‘Au Gratin’ dishes if you want to serve up something that looks like you ordered it in a quality restaurant.

Of course the children eat what just the children eat as well. But this entry in my blog couldn’t possibly showcase baked beans and a jacket potato with grated cheese on top, surely not! Albeit a very tasty, nutritious and cost effective meal!

As I am our family chef, my daily updates will continue to enlighten you regarding what’s on the menu, but please allow me to advise, if it sounds tasty reading about it on this blog, maybe give it a go at home yourself… Bon appetite

I have harked on about food again and again. And do you know what? Eating is a pleasure, not a chore! I firmly believe that allowing children to be picky and awkward at the dinner table is denying that child the true right to choose from life’s bounty of flavours and variety in later life. There are those out there with young children who take the easy option. It is hard not to, I know we lead busy lives and it’s just easier to let little ‘Freddy’ or ‘Freya’ refuse to eat certain items. Our children have all done it with various food stuffs. Cheese, peas, mushrooms, tomatoes have all been refused at some point or another. But I stick to my guns. They have to at least try it and swallow. They have been exposed to pretty much all foods from an early age. Olives are a family favourite, liked as much as the occasional packet of crisps. They just go through cycles of like and dislike. Thor is the worst from our bunch. He loves cheese, he hates cheese. The same can be said with his relationship with ham, even sliced chicken or pate. But as strong as his opposition, he finally voices his love of that item. At present he loves cheese and often tells me ‘I love cheddar Dadda’, but last month he would refuse to eat a cheese sandwich, even with branston pickle. Funny boy is Thor.

I am going to have a think and later today write down exactly what we do eat as a family. Also what John and I enjoy eating. I have mentioned a number of things that we eat on a regular basis. They’ll be at the top of the list for sure.

And popcorn to boot. John not around this afternoon, so to keep the not so famous five focussed, unlike this mornings crazy goings on, I thought a more structured approach might be in order. Bagels for lunch then a couple of movies with sugared popcorn. Some dancing with the Beatles (Help album), summer berry smoothies and a sausage, pea and mash dinner, with the remaining celebrations chocolates (from Christmas) for dessert. Mind you having left them to write this in the kitchen, the tempo has risen a few levels and the sound of their running and screaming can be heard. There is laughter however, though I am just waiting for the eventual shouts and screams of someone falling over or just getting a bit angry. The worst scenario at present is Amritsar shouting that Tara has pinched her! It seems to happen again and again. Of course they are friends again soon enough. Thor seems to think that he is a small baby every now and then, saying that he is not Thor, rather a little baby called Mee! I’m not sure how that arose, but there we have it. I will finish on that note, get mashing those potatoes and find a picture of Thor to amuse you with that I took earlier when he relaxed back with his second bowl of popcorn, sat on the pew in the kitchen. That pew is actually where John and I met! Rather it came from the Coleherne Pub in Earls Court. It sat for a number of years on the hallowed ground where we first started talking. I purchased it from the then manager of the pub, Barry. Paid a hundred and fifty quid for it all those years ago, a lot of money. Probably worth twenty pounds at auction today, but it has a lot of history and means a lot to us.

I am sat in the kitchen, having come down later this morning. John had cooked them pancakes. At present the children are running past me completely naked! Daddy is upstairs getting clothes, however they have (excluding Thor) all offed their Pyjamas and are running loops around me through the living room, kitchen, hall, again and again, doing laps. Thor is now playing ‘The Wolf’ and they are all screaming. Caleb has pee’d on the floor.

being the ring leader, Tara has been asked to clean up Caleb’s pee! They have both attempted to do so with kitchen roll. I have now just asked them to wash their hands. Daddy has come down with today’s clothing and things have become a little more sedate. The sofa cushions are all amassed on the floor so there is nowhere for an adult to sit in there. As much as I feel like going back up the stairs and lie on the bed, I am now off to rearrange the sofas.

Will update you later!