Diary of a Gay Dad. I am a full time dad to five young children.

Good morning to all. Not even 7am here in ‘The Shires’ and here we all sit, in the living room. A very early bed invasion – I am talking 5am and downstairs we ascended soon after! Tara was first down and worked out what she wanted to watch. Something called Beatbugs on Netflix. I guess the Michael Jackson foundation (if they still own the rights) want to instil the music of ‘The Beatles’ back catalogue early on in life – the entire musical score for the program is the beauty that is ‘The Beatles’. At present that timeless tune called ‘Let it Be’ is to be heard. Okay, back down to the ground, we had a breakfast of toasted raisin and cinnamon bagels and I’m about to sort out some clothes for the day. There is no John today, he’s back from Dublin at 6pm tonight. So I am sure we will have a fun, but less ‘crazy’ day as we would have had with John here, they all seem to play up that bit more to buy the attention of Daddy! Caleb is looking well without the plaster cast, I think you’ll agree! More of our goings on later today.

Oh! Did I mention that I peeled and cut 2 x pineapples into half Moons for candying. Just poached and I am about to set out to dry them out in the dehydrator. Home made candies are just ‘The Best’! Especially when dipped in chocolate…

Well, that is if you exclude Remus and Gracie following me from room to room. They are never far out of sight! Thank you Michelle Martinoli (photographer) for today’s image. The girls at school, the little ones at preschool all day on Thursdays with a packed lunch and Sindy usually off until home time. Just me trying to work on my new project. Did I tell you about my idea for writing short stories with moral outcomes. Fuck! It’s really hard to get my head around writing fiction. And apologies for the ‘F’ word, but it is the perfect word to describe myself being at a loss for words. The day has been broken by the occasional text or phone call, a document to sign. So really not such a quiet Thursday after all. I don’t think that I have written an essay or short story since my Uni Days, but that work, like my diary was pretty factual. A little internet research has lead me to the formula for writing a good short story however. You start with a Crisis. You develop your characters quickly and set the location for your prose. Then you unravel your plot… I want to work on the content of several stories loosely based on a few of Aesop’s Fables, but I’m still having trouble figuring out the best ones to consider. If they were all as straight forward as ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’, now that would be great. Thor would be the perfect candidate for that storyline! And it is an easy story to follow. I am trying to imagine stories that grown ups would enjoy reading, but have content that can be simplified into a shorter story with child appeal that could be illustrated and would be fun to read! Not an easy ask. Any thoughts out there?

On another matter, it’s a real bugger not driving a car. It seems that Sindy, our nanny is heavily relied upon. She did not take this morning off, rather take Caleb back to the hospital for his plaster cast to be removed. Woohoo, he is now a regular little boy again, one without a broken arm. They are due back in an hour or so, after the school run. I’m really looking forward to seeing Calo, but hoping hard that he will try to be a little less ballistic. But trying to tell a three year old to ‘take it easy’ is in itself not an easy ask.

John off to Dublin this afternoon to visit his Mum Hazel for her birthday tomorrow. Happy Birthday Hazel, from us all Xxx

More later…

Jean Eve Paradise was my Mum. She had three boys (Paul, Brandon and me) and a daughter Shae. Yesterday was the 14th May – her birthday. My mum passed four years ago this September. She is missed very much, but we always remember ‘Grandma Jean’ with colour and theatrics. She was in the movie ‘Charlottes Webb’, an extra in a number of scenes, but a few closeups in the scene at the hairdressers. She also acted in a number of adverts in Australia. The main one being shot in Melbourne for a national jeans brand ‘Just Jeans’. Odd that her name was also Jean. Well yesterday was her birthday and today’s photograph is of a pink orchid. Something I would send her every year on her birthday. She loved the colour pink and she adored orchids as they have a good shelf life. One year I broke the model and sent her yellow tulips. She was horrified. She called me and inquired ‘why would you do that’? I had to apologise and swear that it would never happen again…

I miss you Mum. You are fondly remembered.

Okay, the bigger story would have been Thor’s second night without his beloved MiMi, his very best bear. I’m not sure where he is to be quite frank. John and I looked high and low yesterday, but alas to no avail. Today’s search has also not been fruitful. The picture above is Thor’s return from preschool this lunchtime, heralding half a trash can of refuse. He wouldn’t put it down for a while, he just held onto it tightly. He finally desisted and enjoyed his chicken sandwich with Dadda’s home made tomato chutney. ‘No’ I said ‘that junk is not going upstairs’. The little ones enjoyed their midday nap and later arose. Not too many mentions of ‘where’s MiMi’ and a trip to the park with Sindy before picking up the girls from school. He was allowed to take his tray of recyclables to the park. ‘Please Sindy’ I implored ‘please can we loose the pile of rubbish’? Now much later and they are all in bed. Sindy has kept the smorgasbord of junk in the car – to be discarded on tomorrow’s school run in a public bin! You see, Thor checks out our recycle bag at home often.

Thor was shouting down for MiMi a moment ago, but all seems okay now. I really have looked everywhere, even the watering can in the garden. You see, he likes to put MiMi in secret places! A shoe box, a paper bag, in fact any place where he feels MiMi will be comfortable and safe – then he completely forgets where poor MiMi might be…

Last time MiMi went missing, he was found in a draw in our bedroom two weeks later. I will update you as and when the situation rectifies itself.

Been a long enough day here in ‘The Shires’. An early morning bed invasion at 6am and toasted sourdough bread with the last of ‘Dadda’s X-Rated Xmas Jam’ (spiced pear and raisin) for brecky. Another birthday party for the children at 10.30am at a well known soft-play establishment, yet Dadda had to remain at home whilst John managed all five at Williams birthday. Woohoo for William – 6 years old today. I stayed at home to meet an old friend at 11am, Michelle Martinoli, a fab gal who is one of the best photographers I know. She kindly said she would help Dadda capture a few images of himself! Well, you know the score, it’s always me stood behind the lens, so I never get my image captured. And after today, I can happily parade myself on my diary every now and then. Mich is great – she doesn’t tolerate fools lightly, she’s a no nonsense kind of woman and I love her for just being her!

And Mich is a dog lover – her own loveable pooch Loppy, she missed very much, but Remus and Gracie did all they could to make her feel welcome.

We got a few reasonable shots, which is great as I don’t feel I photograph well – you know, looking vague, eyes closed, mouth open. I am now laughing to myself. Anyhow, http://www.michelemartinoli.com/ is the lady in question. Check her out! I remember a retrospective of ‘Pete Burns’ (you spin me round) she did a fair few years back. A great recorder of personality and expression. Mind you, I’m pretty conservative in comparison to such high camp frivolity.

The day ended for the little ones after a rather raucous bath time. Thor and Aaliyah were ballistic, Amritsar and Tara were not that much better behaved and Caleb, dear Caleb, after his wet wipe bath (remember his broken arm), he was so sweet. He actually just pounced on me and gave me a big kiss on the lips and a very affectionate hug – it really moved me as it was quite out of the blue.

A long day and an early night I think. So here’s to the beginning of another week here in ‘The Shires’ with ‘Diary of a Gay Dad’, with me Andi Webb. Thank you for reading. Nite nite all.

Well if our robot can be left to do its job, we should have a nice vacuumed living room floor for the weekend. But I fear it is an uphill struggle. To be honest, I’m a bit rubbish at doing the cleaning. I keep a clean kitchen however. Don’t get me wrong, but having qualified as a chef many years ago, I still apply the kitchen rules, ‘if there’s time to lean – there’s time to clean’. Mind you, outside of the kitchen, said rules do not apply. Sindy our nanny helps out when she can and we have a cleaning duo Becky and Hayley who come in once a month. My time is mostly spent tidying up after our motley crew. And that in itself is a full time job. Becky and Hayley have said in the past ‘you guys keep one of the tidiest houses that we do’, but with the sheer amount of ornamentation, we fell foul to being one of the dustiest. More later – roll on the weekend!

Now off to preschool, but this morning saw an extremely happy Aaliyah at the breakfast table. She had earned that flashy, new Amazon Fire 7 tablet with a ‘fusia’ purple case. All set up with her very own profile and a pink unicorn as her motif. She was one very happy girl, with the biggest grin imprinted from cheek to cheek. Yes we had a few thwart moments over the last week, but she managed to keep a hold of herself and contain her anger when, in normal circumstances, she would have screamed the house down. Once Tara and Amritsar are back home from school, they are going to assist Aaliyah in her selection of games and educational tools to download. It’s win win really as in order to actually spend time on this new accessory, she will have to continue this streak of being good.

Thor on the other hand has been told that if he is also a good boy for one week, he will get his replacement iPad. But with Thor, seven hours would be an achievement, let alone seven days. I am looking forward to a near future when Thor is able to prove that he can be a good boy as well. Sadly it will be some time before Caleb is a contender as his ability to break stuff (his left arm included) is just too great at this point in time. We can only wait and see to what the future holds on that score!

Do not pass go, do not collect £200. But did they earn a ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card? Well, after a home made lunch of potato and watercress soup and freshly baked baguette, smothered with butter, we were not exactly starving. A trip upstairs made by myself and John out in the garden for fifteen minutes left the ‘Fruit Bowl’ unguarded. A shout upstairs from Amritsar asking for an apple for each of them was followed by a ‘Yes’ reply from myself. Ten minutes later I returned to Thor and Caleb munching down on two bananas. The floor, scattered with skins. I could make an ‘ooh ooh aah aah’ joke at this point, but I won’t! ‘You asked for apples’ I said. We only ate apples our three girls piped up. ‘And what about the boys’ I inquired. Both could not reply for mouths completely bloated with banana. I looked at the full fruit bowl, now slimmed down to just four ‘ripening’ pears – the apples and bananas were gone. ‘Who ate the bananas’ I inquired? ‘Thor and Caleb’ Tara replied (she’s very good like that). I won’t script the rest of the conversation, but the boys were told that for eating all five bananas between them (after their apples) and denying the girls of their bananas, the boys would have no dinner tonight! ‘But I’m hungry’ Thor piped up ‘I’m still hungry’ he concluded. I explained that there are always consequences in what we do and that just taking things was not allowed in our house.

However. Thor was adorable this afternoon and Caleb was less naughty than his average weekend day, so I think they earned their ‘get out of jail free’ card. Hence they enjoyed a smokey bacon spag-bol with trottole vert and a snowstorm of Parmesan cheese. All in bed now, but I’m still hearing the occasional scuttling of tiny feet on the bare wooden floors. Nite nite.

Last Monday Aaliyah was told that if she could be good for a week, she could have her very own iPad (Amazon Fire 7). Thus far she has indeed been a very, very good girl. A couple of grumples along the way – but we are up to a very impressive day 6. She does in fact have to keep this up until after the MayDay holiday. Tara has been ‘Binge Watching some ninety episodes of ‘Dragons’ and this has allowed Aaliyah to play with Tara’s tablet. She has worked out a lot of the games and seems to be enjoying the learning aspect. She has definitely grown up a lot in these last 6 months. If she makes it to Tuesday morning, there will be a brand new tablet with a purple case sat for her at the breakfast table. The 8 days of being good must not stop there as she will have to continue this streak of good behaviour in order to actually spend time on her brand new iPad! I think we’ve got this sussed… hehe.

Yes tonight is a pictorial memory – Did I mention that I had a Sony Vaio Laptop that died all of a sudden a few years ago? Well I recently retrieved some important memories of my time in Mumbai with the girls. On that said laptop we also had pictures of our ‘First Born’ Remus. He was our ‘Boy’. A strong willed pup with an inquisitive character and an absolutely stunning look to him. His father was a ‘best of breed’ at Crufts the previous year to his birth. ‘A Show Stopper’ for sure. You make your own mind up?

That’s it for tonight. Just in from a great evening at ‘The Woodspeen’ restaurant, a rather enjoyed favourite of ours. Nikki our babysitter has just left – we are considering a movie before bedtime. Let’s hope we can decide on a title! Choosing a movie with John is not a simple matter.

A right royal coronation at breakfast time. Those empty cereal packets do have a purpose before the recycle bin. And a few laughs to boot.

The kitchen is now enjoying music – and the weather forecast if I but ask! You must have guessed. I’ve been unfaithful to ‘Google’ in the living room and I am now smooching with ‘Alexa’ in the kitchen. Naughty Dadda – huh! At present I am alone. Well that’s if you exclude ‘Alexa’. Listening in, working out, getting smarter, preparing for sentience and ultimate world domination. Ha ha, but hasn’t Jeff Bazos already done that! Sorry – must go ‘Google’ is calling me in from the living room!

Sunday’s frolics calmed down finally after bath time – only Thor’s screams were to be heard after nite nite and they exhausted themselves after 15 minutes or so. Yet another ‘soup du poisson’ with boiled potatoes for John and I then bed. Yesterday saw me re-edit my manuscript into a printable book, so looking forward to releasing my memoir as a fully tangible readable paperback. Available to purchase through Amazon, like the ebook in 48 hours. I do know that self publishing isn’t as ‘Fabulous’ as having a publisher on side – but things have changed so much with traditional publishing, as with many industries.

Yesterday ran like clockwork, that is until dinnertime. Thor and Caleb were sent to bed early for playing with (not eating) their roast chicken dinner – I honestly don’t know why I bother sometimes. The most tender chicken breast, potatoes cooked in the meat juices and even a home made cauliflower cheese. Our children eat well – it’s such a shame when they are totally unappreciative. Anyhow, it’s Tuesday afternoon and Sindy has taken the little ones to the park besides the girls school. So just me and the hounds relaxing. At present listening to ‘Hildegard of Bingen’ – go ahead, google it! Very relaxing if you like the odd bit of classical voice and an amazing story to boot.

I get it now! I truly do. I have to admit that writing a blog does keep me online for an hour or so each day, plus some time spent on Instagram. The children’s tablets can entertain them for several hours however with all of the games that they have downloaded. But for us grown ups,  a public profile does seem to be an essential part of things nowadays, especially if like me, you wrote a memoir and nobody knows that the story exists. This blog is indeed as a means to an end – my book I hope. And instagram is a means to leading people to this blog and hopefully at some time in the future, my novel on Kindle (Eighteen Moons). Is it all about me? No it is not, it’s all about my family life. And the book is specifically about our origins. I have to smile, but several months ago I had an unpublished book without an audience, just sat as a word doc on my PC. So, I then looked at creating my own public profile and considered self publishing. If you Google Andi Webb – I do not come up in the search engine, rather a woman who is a ‘Fellow’ at the US Department of Energy. My two domains are thankfully self explanatory, andiwebb.net and diaryofagaydad.net – so if you google ‘Diary of a Gay Dad’ – guess who comes up at the top of the list?

By the way, I do hope you readers are enjoying this blog? I get the occasional like, but more comments would be great!

Now moving on, Amritsar and Tara have their ‘Fire 7 tablets’, we call them iPads and today they have entertained both Amritsar and Aaliyah for most of the day. Tara has been glued to the television watching an entire animated series called ‘Dragons’ (all day) and the boys have been playing together without too many dramas. It looks like ‘Mrs Snodgrass’s services’ will not be required tomorrow morning.

The children are now organising a party on the table top outside on the terrace, as the umbrella blew away with the might of storm ‘Hannah’. It now lays on the neighbours terrace, who are away in France and there it will stay until they return in 4 weeks. We wouldn’t want to be accused of trespass now, would we! Time to purchase a new umbrella I think!

A rather rowdy afternoon from both Caleb and Thor. To be honest, they have both been battling it out for quite some time today and both have ended up on the naughty chair. Firstly Caleb for covering the kitchen table and floor with crunched up quavers. I was barely out of the room for two minutes. Come on guys, I tire of constant tidy up / pick up after you all. Okay five minutes on the naughty chair wasn’t enough so I picked up my phone, Caleb still shouting at me and asked to speak to Mrs Snodgrass, the Head Mistress at ‘Naughty School’ (Our fictitious final threat). ‘Yes Celia Snodgrass please’ and then ‘Thank You Bettina’ (Mrs Snodgrass’s assistant). ‘No Mrs Snodgrass, it’s not regarding Aaliyah, on this occasion it is Caleb’ (a short silence). ‘Okay and thank you, Monday morning should be fine’. At this point Caleb’s random shouting became a lot more legible. ‘Not Naughty School, not Mrs Snodgrass, no, not Mrs Snodgrass’. ‘I’m sorry Caleb, you left me no alternative’. He now believes that he will be leaving preschool and starting ‘Naughty School’ on Monday, that is unless (and this was my deal with him) he can be good for the rest of today and tomorrow , all day. He says that he can be good and that he is ‘very, very sorry’. Fingers crossed, he’s been very well behaved ever since. Thirty minutes after the Caleb incident, Thor had his turn. He was generally being loud and boisterous, but he then decided to run past daddy who was looking at his iPad. Thor then punched the iPad out of daddy’s hands. It went flying and crashed onto the floor. Luckily without damage. He just laughed and laughed at daddy – I had to intervene. Just like Caleb, he just shouted and shouted. I picked up my phone and once more I asked ‘Bettina’ for Mrs Snodgrass. Thor’s screaming was reaching a fever pitch. ‘Thank you Mrs Snodgrass, yes two places for Monday morning’ I then hung up. Calming Thor down a little, I gave him another choice of either 10 more minutes on the naughty chair or bed. ‘ I have a sore throat’ he remarked ‘and I am a bit tired – I will go to bed now’. Like Caleb before him, he has the rest of the weekend to prove that he can be a good boy. Once again, fingers crossed…

It’s funny how food transports us back to a moment or a place. Just by making the choice of samosas rather than my usual sandwich and crisps, I find myself back in the hustle and bustle, the thronging streets of Mumbai. Towards the end of my time on the Indian Sub Continent, I often shared my time with a taxi driver known as Ram. He was a ‘kind hearted’ fellow, something that was very sadly in short supply in those times. On our many trips to the ‘Foreigners Regional Registration Office (F.R.R.O), he would show me both sympathy and support. He would also sing ancient songs in Hindi that, with his whispering, reedy voice, had the effect of halting my tears and making me stop worrying of what was happening in the ‘NOW’ and transport me to a mindset of relative serenity. Maybe more about remembering the trips to the F.R.R.O on another occasion, but today it’s all about samosas. Ram and I would always stop at one or two street vendors and enjoy a lunch, or afternoon tiffin of samosas with a small cup of extremely sweet, milky tea. He had a very good heart. And I will never be able to eat a samosa ever again without him in my thoughts.

These four days of Sunday’s and sunshine have had their ups and downs for sure, but I can quite honestly say, we’ve had many laughs along the way. So, Happy Easter to all. I did stick to my threat of no Easter Eggs today after yesterday’s dilemmas, instead they got a white chocolate lamb (thank you Sally and Sonia). John and I also ate the head and front paws from a chocolate rabbit c/o M&S. Feel a bit sick really, just noticed dried snot on the television screen – CALEB!!!???

Pimms anyone? No seriously, what a day. John and Caleb weren’t too long getting the plaster reset, partly down to Caleb being such a cutie and the nurse fell for his smile. No sooner had they checked in and were told a 3 – 4 hour wait, the nurse said ‘I can probably smuggle him through if you follow me now’! I believe the woman who did the casting wasn’t busy, just one other there at the time and she was almost done with him.

The children enjoyed a ham sandwich and a hobnob (from a packet) for dinner, whilst John and I later enjoyed slow roast shoulder of lamb, roast potatoes alongside, cooked in the meat juices, spinach (my new favourite vegetable), with very thin green beans and wait for if, Johns home grown asparagus. The really sad thing is that the children will never actually know or care about what they have missed out on.

The story did not quite finish when they went up to bed at 6.30pm. They continued their loud, rapscallion antics for a further hour. I ended up, having had enough, storming up to the top floor. I stood back. I was thoroughly dismayed and shocked at what I saw, the sheer devastation of their rooms. If our nanny Sindy is reading this – I’m so sorry, but I guess they know not what they do – they seemingly have no remorse. Amritsar and Aaliyah were quiet and in bed so they were told that there would indeed be an egg for them tomorrow, but sadly Tara, leading the destruction was told ‘No Egg’ as were the boys. She looked sick with guilt (or just distraught with the realisation of not getting an egg tomorrow). Thor just screamed for 20 minutes ‘Sorry Dadda, Sorry’. I left them to it and said they were not allowed to come down for breakfast tomorrow until they tried their hardest to tidy up their rooms.

Their behaviour seems to be getting worse. It really does sadden me when they just don’t learn that there are always repercussions. And today I had the most memorable moment with Thor, in between the 2 altercations. He said to me ”Dadda, can I whisper something to you’? ‘Yes’ I replied and he went on to whisper ‘Dadda, I really, really love you’. It brought a tear to my eye.