Diary of a Gay Dad. I am a full time dad to five young children.

Alright – this diary is almost ten months since its conception. And now, thinking about it, I realise that I have never actually admitted to occasional exercise! Why not, I really don’t know. But I started to do light workouts when I was stranded in Mumbai, some six years ago. I was unfit and very depressed. This was around the time I lost a lot of weight due to the unforeseen circumstances surrounding my coming home with the girls (I ended up going on a hunger strike). I was essentially a prisoner on the Indian sub continent. I was unable to leave with our daughters who needed an exit visa, as did I as I had outstayed my 6 month tourist visa, due to the fact that I could not be parted from our babies Amritsar and Tara. I had to apply for a temporary visa every week in order to be in India and I would also have to wait for and apply for my own ‘Exit Visa’ in order to return home (whilst also having to pay the Indian authorities a hefty fine). Well, I started to exercise once I started to consume food once more. This decision was largely down to nannies Manju and Nikki threatening to leave if I did not start to eat again. Things were desperate. So, I began to eat once more – no one was any the wiser of my hunger strike. The female lawyer based in Delhi who was trying to represent our case to the F.R.R.O (foreigners regional registration office) could only say to me ‘Oh, Mr Andrew, your going without food here in India has no merit! Many people live here with hunger, what makes you so special’? Well I started to eat once more and I also began a regiment of light exercise. I called it bed’ercise as it was mostly me stretching and flexing whilst lying on the bed at the apartment on the J.V.L.R. A link road in Mumbai.

Well, I kept up light workouts for all of this time. From the initial 20 in number of each movement, it settled on 50 in number of each individual exercise.

I’m not bulked out, just feeling fitter on a muscular level. Well today I met up with a personal trainer, Adam. I hope to be seeing him twice a week initially to help fine tune my workouts and hopefully feel that much fitter and overall healthier as a result. I’ve got some stuff happening in London next week, so we start regular workouts on Monday 22nd July. I’m really glad I have made the commitment and will of course keep you updated…

The biggest birthday cake I have ever made. Yes four layers opposed to my usual three. Home made chocolate ganache and not just home made black current jelly, but home grown, homemade black current jelly lavishly spread between each layer.

Sindy our nannies preparations for the party were amazing and all children and adults had an amazing time, particularly down to having a very formidable children’s entertainer for two of the three hours… that was yesterday. Sally (Sindy’s sister) gave them Cat Boy and Unicorn costumes and the party began and finished well.

You might see in this next video how nicely piled and ordered the children’s gifts were. And 10 out of 10 for Tara’s bubble making – she has a real finesse when it comes to making bubbles, much to Amritsar’s envy.

Okay, it’s been a very long day today. But this next photo shows you what I awoke to. John has allowed them to play in the garden before I arose and this is what I came down to!

This was just the beginning. I managed to tidy up as the day progressed, again and again, in different areas, but it was like a landslide, completely fighting against the laws of nature and physics. By 1pm I had had enough and escaped to the bedroom for an hours rest bite. What I returned on was a house, completely trashed… whoever gave the sticky mosaic craft gift, well I would like to know your name as I will gladly reciprocate in good time. The sticky mosaics are everywhere. I am reminded of the forensic tidy and clean up after the kinetic sand incident. It’s now late and John has just managed to get them into their jimjams and up to bed. I have locked myself in our bedroom, refusing to see anyone or say goodnight to anyone at this point. I feel like a broken man. I do not want to venture back to the ground floor due to the amount of mess, destruction and chaos that still remains there. I completely give up and prefer not to leave the relative sanctity of my bedroom. I am sure that I will update you to the situation tomorrow and can only celebrate in the idea that this is the last birthday party in our immediate family for the next six months. Enough is enough, today I really draw the line.

Yes, today our youngest twins Aaliyah and Caleb turn 4 years old. The 4 sponge cake is sat in front of me awaiting a coating of home made fudge icing. It’s layers lavishly saturated with not just home made black current jelly, but home grown! Pics to follow later. The party is set for 4 o’clock in the Garden. The sun is shining and it feels like summer. Thirty children due with their respective parent in tow. That’s all for now folks – the lull before the storm no doubt!

The fresh smell of mink is wafting through the house. A crazed afternoon of chop and stash, with the profusion of wild mint that was growing around the front door! How it seeded and then grew aplenty is anyone’s guess – but grow it did. Last year I left it too late and it went to seed and died off. But this year I took a decision of wisdom and cut it back whilst it was in its prime. The food dehydrator doesn’t know what has hit it! Now drying batch 2 of 3, the whirring of the motor can be heard loudly in the living room. The freshest aroma – intoxicating. Now back to a handsome memory whilst with a good friend Suzanne. At one of her party’s in Soho, London where she lived, myself and John were introduced to a lovely lady who rented one of those ‘Models Apartments’ close to Old Compton Street. I’m not quite sure if she lived up to her name, but Minty was actually quite a nice lady!

p.s. All of the children are now fully acclimatised to fresh mint toothpaste. That strawberry cheesecake flavour was vile…

The mini holiday at an end and we are just joining the M4 at Bristol. Should be home around 6.20 then the preparation for bedtime. Has it been a a relaxing getaway? Probably not – but have we confirmed our two week summer holiday in North Cornwall? Yes, 2 weeks of full on holiday mayhem to follow. More on that at the time.

Aaliyah now screaming profusely behind me. Daddy loosing his temper and I have just had to raise my voice. Dadda’s getting ‘one of his heads’ – oh dear. Roll on August (remember to pack paracetamol)…

The children are finally in bed and here John and I sit with a well deserved glass of white wine in the garden of the beach house. Oddly enough looking onto the beach and the Atlantic Ocean. There are still screams. There has been all day with the little ones. Just when you think you have passed a hurdle – you realise that you haven’t. All of their behaviour has showed it’s darker side at several flash points today. Amritsar and Tara on the other hand have been model students. We had two ‘Thinking Chairs’ on the go at one point, both Aaliyah and Caleb sat there looking shame faced. But finally I sit hear and I can feel the sun upon my face. In a way I am glad we are returning home tomorrow! This was supposedly be a trial night for our two week break in August, but I feel certain dismay. Was the four hours of repeated ‘are we there yet’s’ really worth it. And to top it all, we realised that our nanny Sindy had not packed the Panama’s. Oh, my moment in the sun has drawn short on this, Britain’s hottest day. The clouds have engulfed the sun once again and I sit here shivering. Time to go inside and fix dinner for us beleaguered drown ups I guess!

Our 24 hour mini Holiday on Britain’s hottest day in years. And guess what? It is foggy and cold in North Cornwall. Though we did not let it dissuade us from ice creams on the beach.

Thank you to ‘Take That’ for the soundtrack. Hello Bristol (Place of my birth). And now good bye. Aaliyah has lost the power of her hands!!! Now on the M5 – More later X

Horrible, yet ever so slightly intriguing. We live in an old house and the fact that we live in the countryside just means that spiders are ‘one of those things’. I think that I am going to put the basil plant in the garden for a couple of days – I can just imagine the screams from the children if they saw this incy wincy little thing! Oooh!!!

Shouting was heard so I ventured up to see what all of the fuss was about! Tara had trapped her arm at the wall side of her bed. It was stretched into the abyss that lay at the back of her bottom bunk! As I rushed through the boys room, Caleb lay silent, Mr sleepy was clearly counting lambs and dancing with dreams. Thor on the other hand jumped to attention ‘come on Dadda, come on – let’s free Tara’. He skipped alongside me and we entered the girls room. Tara still wailing ‘help me Dadda, my arm is trapped’. I pulled the bed from the wall with a little help from Aaliyah and Amritsar and I investigated the pile of books that lay before me. Tara had only dropped one, the reason for her cries for help, but here lay a small library of children’s fiction. Thor was in there first ‘this ones mine’ he shrieked. And then Aaliyah ‘I’m having this one’ she shouted. Finally the remains of the booty was shared between A and T…

All is quite now – A school night. Just me here, no John. Remus is looking over at me as he does and Gracie is nuzzling into the arm of the sofa.

What with John being in London, I thought I would eat the scraps from last nights ‘Roast Pork Dinner’ comprising of Roast leg of pork, butter sautéed Jersey Royal potatoes, curly cale, gravy, Dadda’s home made ‘Apple Jam’ and pork scratchings purchased from the local farm shop (wow).

But the remaining pork was the slightly dried end of the joint that I was going to feed to the hounds. Then I thought ‘F**K this’ and I decided to defrost a crab from the freezer and enthusiastically whipped up a dressed crab, toasted delight – yummy… Sorry John, couldn’t resist xx

All our Crew were asked to do some agreeing for once – they had to compromise and agree on these results. And they are as follows… deliberated over dinner tonight – Job well done guys…

Best TV show:

Pocoyo

Best Movie:

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Best Meal:

Broccoli Pesto Pasta (Penne)

Best Confectionary:

Marshmallows (Though Thor insisted on candy canes)

Best thing on Toast:

Dadda’s Jam (of course)

Best subject at School:

P.E. (Physical Education)

Best Song:

Shake Baby Shake (500) – Lush

Best Game:

Hide and Seek

Best Thing:

A NO Brainer Really Kit Koala and Kangy, MiMi, Chicky and Foxy and Doggy (The Children’s beloved soft toys)

And not a single Unicorn or the colour pink was mentioned! Well, that’s the 10 Children’s Besties for our Crew at least! It certainly made a riot of dinnertime!

Looking at this picture taken yesterday made me wonder! Doesn’t Caleb look rather handsome? He always tends to pull faces when being photographed. He scrunches up his face or sticks out his tongue usually. But he has a bit of a ‘Look’ going on there I thought. What a handsome chap he is underneath it all. Though Thor still wins hands down when it comes to posing for the camera, Tara a very close second. Is she smuggling in a cheeky ‘coco the clown’ Look there rather slyly? They are of course all beautiful in my eyes – just who is the better poseur?

Aaliyah has been very good of late. However, yesterday she was back to her old tricks. No, there was no biting involved thankfully, but she did hit Tara in the face yesterday at Angels soft play party and blooded her nose with no remorse. Anyhow, she was uncontrollable on our way home in the car. This morning her foul mood and screams did not dissipate, so I was forced to play my ‘Trump’ card (nothing to do with the US president, honestly). I pretended to call Sindy our nanny and cancel her sleepover tonight (John away for the night and I have to be at an event later), I then called the fabled ‘Mrs Snodgrass’ and asked if she could fill in for Sindy and do the sleepover. All of this archived with Aaliyah listening on. She said that she would be delighted to step in and finally meet our Aaliyah! My plan was set. I texted Sindy who would usually let herself in with her keys and I asked if she would ring the doorbell instead! Of course I explained the scenario. She agreed and here I sit with the children. The countdown is on – 15 minutes and counting. Tara was the most intrigued as she has been asking when ‘Mrs Snodgrass’ is arriving every half an hour! Tara kind of realised that the character is one of fiction, but she is not completely sure. I gave in a bit earlier and told Tara first, then Amritsar that I had decided to cancel  (keeping the mystery alive) and Sindy was coming after all. The little ones however are oblivious. Aaliyah is starting to show a certain nervousness, awaiting the sound of the doorbell. 10 minutes and counting. I’ll fill you in as to the conclusion of my little charade later. He he he!!!

I am now sat on the train and Sindy is driving home with the children in preparation for bedtime.

Earlier, the doorbell rang – it was 5.15pm. Tara, Amritsar, Thor and Caleb were eagerly loitering around the front door in the entrance hall. Tara couldn’t contain herself ‘Aaliyah, Aaliyah’ she was calling ‘Mrs Snodgrass is here for you’. ‘No, I don’t want to come to the door – NO’ Aaliyah shouted. Tara was giggling as she swung the door open. Caleb and Thor both pushed their way forward, falling on top of each other. They picked themselves up, a little dazed. ‘Sindy, Sindy’ they exclaimed, completely expecting to see Cecelia Snodgrass standing there in her green tweed two piece suit and spectacles. Amritsar and Tara were laughing and Aaliyah was still hiding behind the sofa. She exhaled and smiled. ‘Did my little joke work Aaliyah – are you now prepared to try a little harder to be a good girl?’ ‘Yes Dadda, YES’ was her reply. She looked bemused and a little sheepish – no doubt happy that the days waiting ordeal was over.

Happy Fifth Birthday Angel! And thank you all for such a lovely time yesterday guys. We had a lot of fun. Arriving home past 8pm, our crew didn’t settle down for their Zzzzz’s before nine o’clock. Everyone was completely bonkers in the car on the way home, soft play at the leisure centre in Primrose Hill had clearly not tired them out sufficiently.

 

Sunday morning now and we’ve been indulging on the great party bags that Jess made up. Getting a bit tired now from having to do the theatrics that surround a whoopee cushion (x 5)… Thank you Jess! 5 x Bubble wands to choreograph this afternoon!

It’s amazing that Summer Solstice is not a National Holiday really. If you consider the importance of it throughout our pagan, ancient history. You would have thought that in these contemporary times, post tree hugging and what with witch craft not being a punishable crime worthy of being burnt at the steak, we would be paying more attention to this magnificent event with the Summer at its pinnacle. Oh well, just hoping BBC 2 will show a snippet of Stonehenge and the Druids larking about at sunrise this morning. And as for being burnt at the steak, looks like steak and chips is in the menu tonight.

All schools have them don’t they? And today was our schools turn. 8.30am this morning got the okay from the head teacher that sports day would happen. It has been maybe/maybe not for a while with the local weather forecast. I hate it when the weather is like this. Will it rain or will it be dry! We hoped for dry as the weather app was inconclusive. And guess what? Come 1pm, we arrived to just the merest sprinkling of the wet stuff. We ate our picnic with haste and were then ushered to seats lining the side of the track. Nice to see a few friendly faces and meet one or two new ones. We cheered for ‘TeamGreen’ as that was Amritsar’s and Tara’s team. They did well and came in at number one – hoorah! Another very proud dad today as both girls came first or second in almost all of their races. A major turn around from last year when they did not apply the same gusto to their efforts. They both love P.E. now – This might be the reason behind such a good performance. Come 2pm the heavens opened and everyone dived for their brollies. There were some 60+ races in all. A constant stream of race after race. Very well choreographed indeed. Thor did a little track running for himself. Please note the picture beneath. And to top it all, Aaliyah also came first in the final run of the day where toddlers and siblings were invited to run the ‘toddlers race’. Thankfully the parents run was cancelled. I am remembering last year when John cheated on the egg and spoon race by holding down the egg. Naughty daddy! Even with that he managed to come last – oh dear…

In early childhood my family lived around the Bristol area and Somerset. And today I discovered several old photos of my early childhood that my mother gave me several years ago now. Do you know – I completely forgot that we once drove the streets in a bright pink jaguar! How bloody camp is that? Dad… Respect! Lol

You know, Thor loves dickie bows and seeing this picture made me laugh. I wonder where he gets that from! Funny boy isn’t he?

I loved these Rupert Bear trousers. Not sure about the rusty chip pan basket though. Ooh nostalgia – one can get rather indulgent, can’t one?

Yes, last picture is me as a baby. I do remember when my mother gave me these pics. She said that just after this picture was taken, she dropped me on my head! ‘Why on earth would you tell me that Mother’ I exclaimed. ‘I just thought you should know that Andrew’ she replied. I really didn’t know what she was implying, but I let it drop (as she did me). At present remembering her fondly. Here’s to you Miss Jean Eve Paradise.

Yes, today saw our not so famous five all leaving for school together. A first time in all these years that they are leaving the family home to go to school in unison. Job well done! I think you’ll agree they all look so smart in their Summer uniform? John has been joking that we will have a whopping 5% of the schools attendance. Though I don’t think that I am considering joining the P.T.F.A. anytime soon.

Does a picture say a thousand words? Well, does it? The girls poetry got me thinking today. At present Remus can sense a change of mood within me. I do suddenly feel more somber. He has gently rested his chin on my lap and is glancing upwards, towards me. I wonder what it is that he senses! He acted strangely earlier today on the terrace. You see, we have a ‘green wall’ covered with ornamental ivy, our rather large grape vine and a sprouting crab apple tree. He was gently pacing the ground, sniffing around, almost searching for something lost. He was quiet then also. I listened, but there was a silence in the air. I considered the possibility of a red kite hunting in the area. You see, the bird song freezes when such a competent predator is near. No, this was different! And then I realised what was wrong. These last weeks have seen two very busy, brown feathered friends at work on our terrace. A mated pair of thrushes firstly built a nest within the ivy, laid their eggs and then once hatched, they have been completely engrossed with the feeding and nurturing of their offspring ever since. Two, maybe three little chicks with very loud and hungry sounding chirps had their parents perusing their own hunting frenzy. As soon as one parent emerged from the nest after feeding the chicks, the other would appear with a beak full of worms. The frenzy of the chirps erupted again and the cycle would repeat itself again and again. Today it is silent. I did gaze to see a solitary brown song thrush on the lawn, but it did not fly towards the nest hidden beneath the ivy. It just looked around, saw me and then flew away… what happened last night on our terrace? I really do not know, but the veil of silence seems louder with emptiness now. Does a picture say a thousand words? You be the judge.